And now that you've read the test, here's how to score perfectly without doing a single thing out of the ordinary. 1.) Have you done it on a boat? Very easy. A boat is anything that floats on a liquid surface. All continents float on lava. Lava is liquid rock. There you go. 2.) Have you done it with a goat? Bear in mind, as Charlie Brown has taught us, that "goat" is a synonym for "loser". At this point it should become extremely easy to check this one off. Unless you are a liar. 3.) Have you done it in a bed? I certainly hope so. Beds are awfully comfortable. 4.) Have you done it with the dead? You needn't be a necrophiliac to check this one off. Someone can be "dead on their feet" and still quite sex-you-uppable. Dead tired, dead to the world, you get my drift. Some of the best sex out there is had while completely exhausted. Also some of the worst. 5.) Have you done it in the ass? Note that no partner is required. Thus, if you are willing to get your finger dirty, this takes about five seconds. (Nowhere does it specify that any of this has to be good.) 6.) Have you done it, high on grass? Most likely you have, but if you don't like marijuana, doing it on a knoll or in a field or whatever will suffice quite easily. Or, less difficult, your back lawn. Note that artificial turf counts as "grass" according to Major League Baseball, and thus you can manage this one by spending $10 at Wal-Mart on a Pitch-N-Putt green. If that's too hard, simply invent a sport ("bed-rangling") and declare that the bed counts as artificial turf. Play a match and it's official. 7.) Have you done it in the car? Again, incredibly basic, but if you're lazy (and you probably are if you're taking notes at this point), you can finish this one off while on a train, in an elevator, or in a wheelbarrow. Surely you know somebody with a wheelbarrow? How about a suitcase with wheels? It's a cart for baggage transport, which is a type of wagon, and since "car" is derived from "carrus", which is Latin for "wagon"... Alternatively, if you want to get metaphorical and don't want to have sex on a suitcase, remember that all beds are transports to the World Of Dreams (ooooOOOOOOooooo) and thus count as cars. This is weak, but then again you're lazy, remember. 8.) Have you simply gone too far? Subjective. The answer is probably "yes" anyway for every person in the world. 9.) Have you done it on the beach? The dictionary says a beach is the zone above the waterline at a body of water, marked by an accumulation of sand or dirt. You can find that immediately after you fill up your bathtub. 10.) Have you done it with the teach? One who teaches makes you learn something you previously did not. Surely that's happened to you before, and then you had sex with them? "Oh my god, you won't believe what happened on Melrose Place last night" counts. 11.) Have you done it on your back? If you're lazy enough to be reading this, I bet you have. 12.) Have you done it strapped to a rack?The dictionary says that "rack" is slang for "bed", and furthermore that "on the rack" is an expression for "under great stress". And hey, who hasn't had sex to relax and take a load off? 13.) Have you done it in a box? Any house, apartment, or enclosed space is technically a box. Furthermore, since cosmic radiation shields encircle the Earth, we are all within one giant box. 14.) Have you done it with a fox? Lower your standards of what constitutes a "fox" and you're fine. 15.) Have you done it in a tree? A tree is a structure for organizing or classifying data in which every item can be traced to a single origin through a unique path. I'm sure the dirty-minded among you can figure that one out quickly enough. 16.) Have you done it with more than three? Three what? It doesn't specify partners at one time. It doesn't even specify partners. It could be fantasies. There you go. You're welcome, you pillar of inadequacy you. 17.) Have you done it in the rain? You didn't have to be directly in the rain. You could have been, for example, in your house while it was raining. 18.) Have you done it for the pain? Note that "a pain" is also "a nuisance or annoyance", and who hasn't slept with one of those at one point, unfortunately? (See number 2.) 19.) Have you done it 'tween the tits? Yours or another's? And what was 'tween them, anyway? And what were you doing? Ah, how wonderfully vague this lame Seuss impersonation is. It makes life worthwhile. I'm telling you - I should've gone to law school. 20.) Have you done it wearing mitts? To wear is to have placed upon the body - mitts are hands. You do the math. 21.) Have you done it packed in rubber? I certainly hope so, given that a rubber is a condom, and I'd hate to think you're an unsafe lazy person. 22.) Have you done it undercover? Sheets. Duh. 23.) Have you done it on a perch? A perch is "an elevated place for resting or sitting." Your bed is elevated from the floor, if only by a few inches. 24.) Have you done it in a church? Ever prayed in bed? Ever even thought, "God, let me be able to get up on time tomorrow morning"? Good. Your bed now qualifies as a place of worship. 25.) Have you done it with a virgin? You managed this the first time you masturbated. 26.) Have you done it with a sturgeon? This is the first truly difficult one, but its manageable. Sturgeon are freshwater fishes who live in cold waters. Hence, they are cold fish. You've probably slept with a cold fish at one point or another. 27.) Have you done it with ropes and chains? Among other things, a rope is "a sticky glutinous formation of stringy matter in a liquid." A chain is a "constraining agent or force". Again, the dirty-minded should be able to explain this to the rest of you. Easily. 28.) Have you done it while insane? Criminal law requires that a guilty party be in his right mind for the duration of the act to be found guilty. The state is called mens rea. An orgasm causes your neurons to spontaneously excite and prevents rational thought. Hence. 29.) Have you done it on the stage? Let's go to Shakespeare for this one: "All the world's a stage. And all the men and women merely players." From As You Like It, in case you wondered. 30.) Have you done it underage? It doesn't specify for what you have to be underage for. Retirement age in Canada is 65, for example. 31.) Have you done it with all your friends? A "friend", according to the trusty dictionary, is one with whom you are allied in a common cause. Mutual orgasm, for example. Or possibly just yours, you selfish dork. 32.) Have you done it in both ends? Of the bed? 33.) Have you done it with a dog? And we all know that slang for a horny person is a "dog". Fetch. 34.) Have you done it on a log? If your bed - or floorboards, or home - has wood somewhere in its construction, then certainly you have. Well, it was a log at some point, and thus still is in a sense. (Beds are awfully versatile, aren't they? And all this time you thought it was just the thing you always forgot to make in the mornings.) 35.) Have you done it under clamps? Clamping "establishes by authority - imposes". Did you obey the laws of the land whilst engaged in carnal union? Most of the time you probably did. 36.) Have you done it with the lamps? Or, on other words, with the light on. Bear in mind that the sun counts as a lamp, according to the Bible, Qu'ran, and Torah, among other holy works. See, even God, regardless of denomination, wants you to pass this test with flying colours! 37.) Have you done it without style? You know you have at some point. 38.) Have you done it with a child? Emotional cripples qualify. Again, see number two. 39.) Have you done it for all to see? This one is technically impossible - even the most flagrant porn star has never been seen by all. Unless you count God as the All-Seeing. And then everybody qualifies. 40.) Have you ever had VD? Life is a sexually transmitted disease - and invariably a fatal one. Admittedly, if you are reading this you may not technically have a life, but in any case good luck there. 41.) Have you done it on Mother's couch? Gaia, Mother Earth, is the mother of us all, and her Couch is her warm and vibrant lands. Upon which we live. (And yes, they're still floating on lava. As if we could forget the lava.) 42.) Have you done it in your mouth? Kissing is foreplay. Foreplay is sex. QED. 43.) Have you done it while on tape? Tape is "a continuous strip of cloth" among other things. Again - sheets. 44.) Have you done it while out of shape? If you're honest you bloody well have. 45.) Have you done it on live TV? Turn on the Weather Channel some time. Look at them. Just showing the whole CONTINENT! While you're having sex on that very continent! The thought of it is so very indecent, it makes me blush mightily and makes me go tingly with the shame. Especially since they're on all week, every week, all the time. 46.) Have you done it whilst you pee? PEE is a recognized acronym for Photo-Electron Emission. Light bouncing around your eyeballs qualifies. (Ooooh, wasn't that scientific? I bet you were thinking bodily fluids. No, I know you were thinking bodily fluids.) 47.) Have you done it in the gym? Again, if you've ever done so much as a situp in your home, it's a gym. I hope you've at least done ONE situp and don't have to resort to "exercises" like the Repeated Beer Lift, One-Armed Fridge-Open or the Continuous Ass-Scratch. Although those do count. 48.) Have you done it on a whim? A whim is a desire. So you probably have. Unless you're really amazingly self-controlled and desireless. Like Data. Hey, did you ever see the episode where Data figured out that the Enterprise was in a time loop and it kept blowing up and Data had to - oh. Sorry. Got sidetracked there for a second. 49.) Have you done it on a dare? If you've ever been asked, offered or requested, then it's a dare. If you've ever been jumped, that was a non-verbal dare. (Law school. Hm. How much is law school, anyway? I may be missing a calling.) 50.) Do you really think we care? Obviously. You read all of this just to get a full score on a friggin' anonymous purity test. Loser.
posted by
Christopher Bird at 9:37 PM
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